Love and anger in relatives who ‘adopt’ orphaned children: Parents by default

Abstract

Abstract

Children whose parents die often become the responsibility of other family members; In the United States culture these are usually maternal grandmothers and aunts. Whether or not these new caretakers want to take on this responsibility, they often feel required to do so. Thus people who themselves are in mourning sometimes feel forced into a parental role which they did not want. Not surprisingly, their performance as substitute parents often reflects the intense inner conflict which they feel about taking on this role.

This paper reviews experience gained from work with 51 maternally-bereaved children and the relatives who take care of them who were seen in the Childhood Loss Program over the past five years. We describe assessment and treatment issues encountered in work with these children and their caretakers. Common problems include the caretakers' ambivalent feelings towards the children, towards the dead mothers, and towards the fathers. These are addressed in treatment which oscillates back and forth between parent guidance and individual treatment (of the child, of the caretaker, or both). These treatment efforts take place in the context of bereavement, but often have more to do with ways in which the anger associated with multiple, and often violent, losses interferes with the flexibility required to handle the normal developmental issues of childhood.